Alogoric of Dork (Theodoric of York Parody)

Before the Age of globAL Warming, weather forecasting was still in its infancy. The art of weather predictions was conducted not by divinity school flunkouts and failed presidential candidates, but by meteorologists and scientists who adhered to the scientific method rather than falling prey to politically correct shammerific consensus.

Those meteorologists were the forerunners of today’s persons of the weather, and there are actually citizens of the world who wish the scientific methods and techniques such meteorologists developed could still be practiced today.

Instead, the globAL Warming pioneer decided it was more politically (and monetarily) feasible to rely on a socialist, Alinsky-style agenda of manufactured crisis. This is the story of that globAL Warming pioneer: Alogoric of Dork.

Hello, I’m Alogoric of Dork. You may remember me as almost the next president of the United States. Early in 2001, when I chose to make a career change, I locked myself in my room with some Twinkies, determined to write my memoirs: An Incontinent Poof.

Then I discovered an inconvenient truth when Jon Stewart told me, “Al: Cake is not a food group.”

Because it was springtime, and time for my shave and botox, I went to visit Theodoric of York, Medieval Barber.

Tipper was understandably distraught, fearing that my shave, haircut, and botox treatment might lead to other rash action on my part - like kissing her again like I did that time at the convention.

My visit to the Medieval Barber Theodoric of York was a successful one, and I emerged, revitalized and wearing appropriately green wings when I appeared shortly afterwards on NBC.

Naturally, there have been those who continue to hide from my truths and are critical of my efforts. But, we all know that the Democrats are the party of action. As such, we face countless decisions that impact our political lives.

Perhaps this transcript of a conversation I recently had with Sheryl of Crow will provide you with a better understanding of the globAL Warming problems facing us today:

Me, Alogoric of Dork: Hello, Sheryl of Crow, Daughter of Celebrities with an Overinflated Opinion of Themselves. Have a seat. What concerns bring you to me today?

Sheryl of Crow: My implementation of that one sheet of toilet paper rule is adversely affecting my career. My fingers keep slipping off of the guitar strings.

Me, Alogoric of Dork: I am honored to be in the presence of someone who should be so committed.

Sheryl of Crow: Thank you, Alogoric of Dork. Yet, despite my best efforts, there are still tornadoes and hurricanes, hot and cold weather, rain and snow. Yeah, there are even those who mock me with claims that we’re experiencing what was once known as weather cycles and seasons.

Me, Alogoric of Dork: Hillary was right. The vast right wing conspiracy will stop at nothing!

Sheryl of Crow: Will our planet be all right?

Me, Alogoric of Dork: Well, I’ll do everything humanly possible. Unfortunately, we globAL Warming pioneers aren’t gods. You know, climate change is not an exact science, but we are learning all the time. Why, just mere years ago, they thought an eclipse was caused by the demonic possession or witchcraft of an invisible dragon devouring the sun. But nowadays we know that it’s really caused by greenhouse gases and carbon emissions.

Sheryl of Crow: Well, I’m glad Mother Gaia is in such good hands. As always, it has been my honor to sit at your feet and play my guitar while absorbing thy wisdom which is oh so much greater than that of W of George. But, alas, I must make haste to my tour bus which will take me to catch a flight on my private jet.

Me, Alogoric of Dork: Thank you, Sheryl of Crow. It’s too bad that you can’t stay with us while Laurie David takes some time away from her climate of lust to help me make another prediction about globAL climate change.

Laurie has provided me with video of the great oracle polar bear.

If the polar bear remains on the piece of floating ice, all will be well with our planet. However, if he or she jumps into the frigid water, WE ALL WILL DIE unless we do something to stop the polar ice caps from melting.

Oh, my. It appears that the polar bear did indeed jump into the frigid water. But, rather than perishing in the icy depths, the bear swam to an adjacent piece of ice and climbed up onto it.

I don’t know how to interpret that. And Laurie David isn’t here to tell me how I should interpret it if I want her to produce another shlockumentary.

Could it be that a polar bear has evolved to where he or she can swim away from a floating piece of ice and back to the frozen land where polar bears live and thrive and their drinks always come chilled? Will other polar bears soon evolve to master this skill as well?

Maybe I don’t know all of the answers! Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly prescribe the strategy of manufactured crisis traditions and superstitions.

Maybe I should invest some of that money I’m earning from speaking fees and from selling myself carbon credits for the Al Gore White House into seeing that people like The Observational Therapist, who has worked hard all of her life and played by the rules but now suffers and struggles because of a disabling condition, can have affordable housing.

According to the Department of Energy, the typical US household uses 10,656kWh of electricity a year - 20 times less than the Gores. With gas included the former second couple spend $30,000 a year powering their mansion (not to mention their other two properties). -Source

Maybe liberals should change the playbook before people figure out that we find it politically expedient to have one crisis after another. After all, we have the globAL warming crisis, the climate change crisis, the population crisis, the energy crisis, the oil crisis, the ethanol crisis, the housing crisis, the banking crisis, the financial crisis, the Wall Street crisis, the corporate greed crisis, the affordable food crisis, and the health insurance crisis. (That’s all I can remember now, right off of the top of my crisis-filled head.)

Maybe I should encourage the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) from using more than 100,000 gallons of jet fuel to produce roughly 1,231 tons of CO2 in the 25 days it plans to fly its wealthiest donors around exploring natural and cultural treasures in remote areas of South America, the South Pacific, Southeast Asia, and Africa on a private jet. -Source (WWF Trip Brochure)

Maybe we pioneers should encourage scientists to test climate assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a “scientific method.” Maybe this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation, and medicine.

Perhaps I, Algoric of Dork, could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance!

NAAAAAHHH!

Sincerely Mine…………………..
Al Gore, aka Alogoric of Dork

Related Quotes and Information:

Theodoric of York Video

Global Warming Background Materials:

38th Earth Day Comic Strip: Al Gore’s Male Menopause

Alinsky Method:

“The presumed irrationality of the public is a pattern running through many, if not most or all, of the great crusades of the anointed in the twentieth century–regardless of the subject matter of the crusade or the field in which it arises. Whether the issue has been ‘overpopulation,’ Keynesian economics, criminal justice, or natural resource exhaustion, a key assumption has been that the public is so irrational that the superior wisdom of the anointed must be imposed, in order to avert disaster. The anointed do not simply happen to have a disdain for the public. Such disdain is an integral part of their vision, for the central feature of that vision is preemption of the decisions of others.”
The Vision of the Anointed by Thomas Sowell

Barack Obama and Alinsky’s Rules for Psychopaths

“… the community organizer … must first rub raw the resentments of the people; fan the latent hostilities to the point of overt expression.’
– Saul Alinsky, Rules for Radicals (Source)

[Obama's] teachers were schooled in a style of organizing devised by Saul Alinsky, the radical University of Chicago-trained social scientist. At the heart of the Alinsky method is the concept of “agitation”– making someone angry enough about the rotten state of his life that he agrees to take action to change it; or, as Alinsky himself described the job, to “rub raw the sores of discontent.” (Source)

Son sees father’s handiwork in convention (Alinsky’s son praises Obama)

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